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FHM Small Stories EmptyThu 11 Mar 2010, 12:57 pm by Mhacky
after the long long vacation.... (ehehhehehhe!!) i would like to announce that i will be launching the new website

and new forum... this year!

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trebacire
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PostSubject: FHM Small Stories   FHM Small Stories EmptyTue 07 Apr 2009, 9:11 pm

Some Kind of Bug (Rated A - Ross)

A man and a woman were driving down the road and arguing about his deplorable infidelity. Suddenly the woman reaches over and slices the man's member off. Angrily the woman tosses it out the car window.

Driving behind the couple is a man and his 10-year-old daughter.

The little girl is just chatting away at her father when all of a sudden the penis smacks the pickup on the windshield, sticks for a moment, then flies off.

Surprised, the daughter asks her father, "Daddy, what the heck was that?

Not wanting to expose his ten-year-old daughter to anything sexual at such a young age, the father replies, "It was only a bug, honey.

The daughter sits with a confused look on her face, and after a few minutes she says, "Sure had a big dick, didn't it?"


The Morning After


An American and an Italian were seated next to a Filipino on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.

"Last night I made love to my wife four times," the American bragged, "and this morning she made me delicious pancakes and she told me how much she adored me."

"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man."

When the Filipino remained silent, the American smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"

"Once," he replied. "Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted.

"And what did she say to you this morning?" "Don't stop."


Touché!

A young boy on his way home from school must pass by a group of hookers.

Every day as he passes them, the hookers wave at him with their pinkies and say, "Hi there, little boy!"

One day the boy stops and asks one of the hookers why they always wave at him with their pinkies.

They reply: "Well, that's the size we imagine your penis to be. Just kidding!"

The next day on his way home, the hookers repeat the tradition. The young boy stops and drops his schoolbooks on the ground, sticks all his fingers in his mouth to stretch his lips very wide and says, "Hi there, ladies!"


Perfect Marriage

Three guys die and end up at the gates of heaven, talking to Saint Peter.

"So," Peter asks the first guy, "how many times did you cheat on your wife?"

"None. I had a perfect marriage."

"Great," says Peter. "You get to cruise around heaven in a Viper."

"And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?"

"Only twice, I think," says the second guy.

"Okay. You get to cruise around heaven in a Cadillac."

"And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?"

"Twelve times. Maybe 13," says the third guy.

"Okay," says Peter. "You get a rusty Ford."

Later that day, the guy in the Cadillac sees the guy in the Viper crying. "What's wrong?"

"I just saw my wife."

"And?"

"She was riding a skateboard."


No Dwarf Nuns Anywhere (Rated B - Ross)

The Seven Dwarfs went to the Vatican, and got ushered in to see the Pope. Dopey led the pack.

"Dopey, my son," said the Pope, "what can I do for you?"

Dopey asked, "Excuse me, Your Eminence, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?"

The Pope wrinkled his brow at the odd question, thought for a moment and answered, "No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."

In the background the dwarfs started giggling.

Dopey turned around and gave them a fiery stare, silencing them.

Dopey turned back to the Pope. "Your Holiness, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?"

The Pope, puzzled again, answered, "No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in all of Europe."

This time, all the dwarfs burst into laughter.

Once again, Dopey turned around and silenced them all with an angry stare.

Dopey turned back to the Pope and said, "Mr. Pope, are there ANY dwarf nuns in the whole world?"

The Pope answered, "I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."

The other dwarfs collapsed into a heap, rolling and laughing, tears running down their cheeks as they began chanting: "Dopey screwed a penguin, Dopey screwed a penguin!"


Liquid Soap

Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step in before they realize there is no soap. Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress. He grabs two bars of soap and heads back to the showers.

Halfway down the hall, he sees three nuns heading his way. Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like a statue.

The nuns stop and comment on how lifelike he looks. The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls his manhood. Startles, he drops a bar of soap. "Oh look," says the first nun, "It's a soap dispenser."

The second nun also pulls his tool, and sure enough he drops the other bar of soap.

The third nun pulls once, twice, and three times but nothing happens. So she tries once more and, to her delight, something comes out from the priest's manhood and she yells, "Liquid soap!"


Lenten Sacrifice

John Smith was the only Protestant to move into a large Catholic neighborhood. On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill. Meanwhile, all of his neighbors were eating cold tuna fish for supper.

This went on each Friday of Lent. On the last Friday of Lent, the neighborhood men got together and decided that something had to be done about John. He was tempting them to eat meat each Friday of Lent, and they couldn't take it anymore. They decided to try and convert John to Catholicism.

They took him to church, and the priest sprinkled some water over him, and said, "You were born a Baptist, you were raised a Baptist, and now you are a Catholic."

The next year's Lenten season rolled around. The first Friday of Lent came, and, just at supper time, when the neighbor-hood was settling down to their cold tuna fish dinner, the smell of steak cooking on a grill came wafting into their homes.

The neighbor-hood men could not believe their noses! They called each other up and decided to meet over in John's yard to see if he had forgotten it was the first Friday of Lent. The group arrived just in time to see John standing over his grill with a small pitcher of water. He was sprinkling some water over his steak on the grill, saying, "You were born a cow, you were raised a cow, and now you are a fish."


Jumping Up

A young man signed up with the paratroopers. He went through the standard training, completed practice jumps from high structures, and finally took his first jump from the airplane. The next day, he called his father to tell him the news. "So did you jump?", the father asked.

"Well, when the sergeant opened the door and asked for volunteers, about a dozen men got up and just walked out of the plane!"

"Is that when you jumped?"

"Not yet. The sergeant started to grab the other men and throw them out of the door."

"Did you jump then?", asked the father.

"I'm getting to that. Every one else had jumped, and I was the only one left. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He told me to jump or he'd kick my ass."

"So did you jump?"

"Not then. He tried to push me out, but I held onto the door. Finally he called the jump master, who's about six-foot five and 250 pounds. The guy took his penis out and it was about 10 inches long and as big around as a baseball bat! He said, "Boy, either you jump out that door, or I'm sticking this up your ass."

"So did you jump?" asked the father.

"Well, a little.... at first."

Golfing Spirit (Rated C - Ross)

The Pope met with his Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Benjamin Netanyahu, the leader of Israel.

"Your Holiness, Mr. Netanyahu wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by our faiths."

The Pope thought this was a good idea, but he had never held a golf club in his hand. "Don't we have a Cardinal to represent me?" he asked.

"None that plays very well," a Cardinal replied. "But," he added, "there is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer who is devout a Catholic. We can offer to make him a Cardinal, then ask him to play Mr. Netanyahu as your personal representative. In addition to showing our spirit of cooperation, we'll also win the match."

Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made. Of course, Mr. Nicklaus was honored and agreed to play. The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result. "I have some good news and some bad news, your Holiness." "Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus." said the Pope.

"Well, your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even though I've played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by far. I must have been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful, and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous." "There's bad news?" the Pope asked.

"Yes," Nicklaus sighed. "I lost to Rabbi Tiger Woods by three strokes."


Death Wish

A woman was walking through the woods when she came across a rusty old lamp.

The woman, being so curious, immediately picked it up and rubbed it.

Then suddenly a genie appeared saying he would grant the lady three wishes. The catch was, for every wish, her husband would get the same 10 times over.

The woman said, "For my first wish, I want to be the most beautiful woman in the world." The genie warned her, "Your husband will be the most handsome man in the world and women will flock to him." The woman replied, "That's okay, I trust my husband." So, poof!-she became the most beautiful woman in the world.

After that, the woman said, "For my second wish, I want to be the richest woman in the world." The genie said, "That will make your husband 10 times richer than you." "That's okay, we will share our money," said the woman. Poof!-she became the richest woman in the world.


The genie then inquired about her last wish. The woman said, "Hmm… I'd like a mild heart attack."


Baked Beans

There lived a woman who had a maddening passion for baked beans. Unfortunately, they made her pass so much gas each time.

So when she met the man she would marry, she made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Some months after her wedding, her car broke down on the way home from work. She called her husband and told him she would be late because she had to walk home.

On her way, she stopped at a diner, and before she knew it, she had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home she farted, and upon arriving home she felt sure she could control it.

Her husband seemed excited to see her and said, "Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded her and led her to her chair at the table.

She seated herself and as he was about to remove the blindfold from his wife, the telephone rang.

He made her promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned, then went to answer the telephone.

While her husband was out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifting her weight to one leg and letting it rip. I was loud, and smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk. She shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more, which reminded her of cooked cabbage. She went on like this for another 10 minutes!

When her husband's call ended, she fanned the air a few more times with her napkin. He removed the blindfold, and she saw 12 dinner guests seated around the table to wish her a "Happy Birthday!"


Horny Hag and Her Corn

Three guys are stranded in a desert. Off in the horizon they see a house and crawl to it.

The first guy knocks on the door and asks for water.

A wart-covered, toothless old woman answers: "I will...if you have sex with me." The guy pukes and runs back to his friends to tell them what happened.

The second guy, thinking the first guy was a wuss, takes his turn.

Same thing happens-he sees the woman and hurls.

The third guy, knowing they'll all die if he doesn't do something, follows the lady to her kitchen.

"Do me here," she tells him. He sees three ears of corn on the counter and gets an idea. "Lay back and keep your eyes closed!" he says. The witch obliges.

The guy picks up an ear of corn and screws her with it. As soon as she's done, he throws the corn out the window. "That was the best orgasm of my life! Do that again and I'll give you a million bucks."

"Then lay back and close your eyes again." He does her with the second ear of corn, then throws it out again.

"If you do that again, I'll give you a Jeep so you can get out of the desert."

He does her with the last piece of corn. "Ohhhhhh... The water, money, and Jeep are outside," she says as she squirms in ecstasy.

So he runs outside, grabs the water and money and jumps onto the Jeep. He drives around and finds his friends by the window.

One of the guys says to him: "Hey, I hope you had fun. We just ate the three tastiest pieces of buttered corn you could have imagined!"


Two Priests



Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane had landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc. The next morning they went to the beach, dressed in their "tourist" garb.

They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a drop-dead gorgeous topless blonde in a thong bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare. As the blonde passed them, she smiled and said, "Good morning, Father, good morning, Father," nodding and addressing each of them individually, then passed on by.

They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests? So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits. Once again, the two priests settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a while, the same gorgeous topless blonde, wearing a string, taking her sweet time, came walking towards them.

Again, she nodded at each of them, said, "Good morning, Father," and started to walk away.

One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, "Just a minute, young lady."

"Yes?" she asked.

"We are priests, and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did you know we are priests dressed as we are?"

"Father, it's me, Sister Angela."


Last edited by trebacire on Wed 08 Apr 2009, 8:47 pm; edited 1 time in total
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conjin
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PostSubject: Re: FHM Small Stories   FHM Small Stories EmptyTue 07 Apr 2009, 11:21 pm

tae tagal naman nun >.<
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